4 Major Relationship Communication Mistakes That Ruin Love

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“ Trouble comes from the mouth. ”
— chinese proverb
Do you experience communication challenges in your relationship ? many studies have identified hapless communication as one of the top reasons for couples therapy, deoxyadenosine monophosphate well as one of the top reasons for divorce ( 1 ) ( 2 ).

Below are four major mistakes couples make in interpersonal communication, with references from my my books ( pawl on titles ) : “ How to Communicate effectively and Handle Difficult People “ and “ How to Successfully Handle Passive-Aggressive People “ .

1. “You” Language and Directives*
ineffective communication is often characterized by the function of certain types of “ you ” language, such as “ you are. .., ” “ you should. .., ” “ you need to. .., ” “ you have to. .., ” “ you ’ five hundred better. .., ” and “ you people. .. . ” Directives are statements that either exceed damaging sagacity, or order another person about .

Some examples of “ you ” language with a directing admit :
You are not good enough … ”
You should pay attention … ”
You need to do this immediately … ”
You have to understand my position … ”
You better get it right … ”
Most of us don ’ triiodothyronine like to be told what to do, and when we use “ you ” linguistic process plus a directive, it ’ second easy to arouse in other people feelings of resentment and defensiveness. This type of communication is besides baffling in that it tends to invite a “ no ” reception, much resulting in disagreements and conflicts .

There are effective ways of getting your indicate across distinctly and successfully without using “ you ” lyric and directives .
2. Universal Statements
universal statements are statements that generalize a person ’ s character or demeanor in a negative way. The most common types of universal statements involve the habit of words such as “ constantly, ” “ never, ” “ again, ” “ so, ” “ every time, ” “ such a, ” and “ everyone. ” Universal statements are often used in combination with “ you ” lyric .

For model :
You always leave the toilet seat up. ”
You never put the tooth paste cap back on. ”
“ You ’ re messing up again ! ”
“ You are so lazy ! ”
“ You forget to do this every time ! ”
“ You ’ ra such a slob ! ”
Everyone knows that you ’ rhenium bad. ”
universal statements are debatable in many ways. First, the built-in message within these statements is that, in the take care of the person who speaks such generalizations, there is no possibility of the early person being anything else. moment, because universal statements tend to point out “ what is incorrectly, ” alternatively of “ how to be better, ” such statements discourage change. finally, merely as with examples of “ you ” language earlier, universal joint statements can easily be disputed. If I say to you, “ you never wash the dishes, ” all you need to do is to come up with one exception, “ that ’ s not true, I washed the dishes once last year, ” and you have successfully contradicted my statement. The general nature of universal statements makes them very vulnerable to specific counterexamples .

3. Tough on the Person, Soft on the Issue
In every communication situation involving another person, there are two elements deliver : the person you are relating to, and the issue or behavior you are addressing. effective communicators know how to separate the consequence or the behavior from the person, and be soft on the person and bully on the issue. ineffective communicators will do the opposite. They literally “ get personal ” by being hard on the person, while minimizing or ignoring the emergence or the behavior .

For exercise :

Ineffective communication: “ You are so stupid ! ”
Effective communication: “ You ’ re a smart person, and what you did this dawn was not very ache. ”
Ineffective communication: “ You never clean up. You ’ re a slob ! ”
Effective communication: “ I noticed that you didn ’ t wash the dishes this week. ”
Being ruffianly on the person and soft on the offspring can easily arouse negative reactions from people, who are probable to take what you ’ re saying more personally, and as a result feel angry, resentful, hurt or immune. note that hood on the person and soft on the exit besides involves the frequent use of “ you ” statements and universals .

4. Invalidate Feelings
annulment of feelings occurs when we recognize emotions, positive or negative, coming out of a person, and either rebate, minimize, minimize, ignore or negatively judge these feelings .
For case :
“ Your concerns are meaningless to me ! ”
“ Your complaints are wholly baseless. ”
“ You ’ ra blowing things direction out of symmetry. ”
“ Your anger is a big over-reaction. ”
“ indeed what if you got a B in mathematics ? I used to get A ’ second all the time. ”
“ Don ’ t feel so happy—your improvement very means very little. ”
When a person ’ randomness positive feel is invalidated, his or her positive feeling will likely diminish or disappear. As positive feelings decrease, indeed does the forte of the relationship. When a person ’ s negative feeling is invalidated, his or her negative feel will likely intensify and linger. As negative feelings increase, therefore does the barrier in a kinship .

When we invalidate another person ’ south feelings, we are likely to cause instantaneous resentment. The person ( or group ) whose feelings we just invalidated is likely to feel hurt and angry. In some cases, a person whose feelings have been invalidated might shut down from you emotionally, so that her/his feelings will not be hurt again. annulment of feelings is one of the most destructive things one can do in close, personal relationships. It is one of the main reasons why “ fall outs ” occur between friends, class and people in inner relationships .

Consequences of Ineffective Communication — Fight, Flight and Freeze
As stated earlier, ineffective communication causes conflict, defensiveness, and worsens relationships. common reactions to ineffective communication include the three “ F ” randomness : people are more likely to either fight an ineffective communicator ; take flight from an ineffective communicator ; or freeze emotionally ( emotionally closed off/shut down ) when dealing with an ineffective communicator. The three “ F ” second, of course, are significant barriers to the development and maintenance of any healthy relationships, both at home and at work. They cause suffering, to both the transmitter and recipient role of ineffective communication .

If your relationship suffers from ineffective communication, the good news program is that arsenic retentive as you and your partner are willing, improvements can be learned promptly and put to use immediately. For more resources on this subject, see my books ( pawl on titles ) : “ How to Communicate efficaciously and Handle Difficult People “ and “ How to Successfully Handle Passive-Aggressive People “ .

“ Communication is a skill that you can learn. It ‘s like riding a bicycle or type. If you ‘re will to work at it, you can quickly improve the quality of every separate of your life. ”
– Brian Tracy
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